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GAIN ADMISSION TO YOUR TOP SCHOOL
content provided by EssayEdge.com.
THE ADMISSION ESSAY
Each year graduate schools receive tens of thousands of applications and admit only a fraction of students. How are you going to make yourself stand out from the crowd, especially from those with similar grades and test scores?
It’s all in the admission essay – your one opportunity to give a unique perspective on what makes you better than all the other candidates and why you will be an asset to their program. The admission essay not only must prove your commitment, intelligence, talent and integrity, it must also make the reader respect you and feel compelled to admit you.
WORK WITH A PROFESSIONAL
Your essay needs to connect with an admission committee quickly and effectively. Professional editors, like those at EssayEdge.com, will review your essay with a critical eye to ensure maximum impact, clear language, varied sentence structure and compelling word choices.
Although professional editors won’t write your essay for you, they will make changes directly to your essay and provide a detailed critique to help you become a better writer. The editors at EssayEdge.com have read thousands of admission essays and will correct your statement with an objective eye, ensuring that your application gets noticed.
SAMPLE ESSAYS
The following excerpts show how the editors at EssayEdge.com have transformed these applicants’ admission essays with valuable critiques.
MEDICAL
Before
When I started my internal medicine training, I was not sure what I should do for my fellowship training. Like most of internal medicine resident, geriatric fellowship was not in my mind at that time. While I was struggle to find the most suitable fellowship for myself, I had had the most wonderful and valuable experience with my patient. She was a tiny elderly lady who was admitted to my service with the diagnosis of urinary tract infection and mild dementia. We, meaning me and my resident, had treated her with standard treatment. After her physical status had gotten better, she still looked very depressed to me. Sometimes she cried and even screamed at nursing staffs. Nobody liked her at that time. The thought of her dementia could be secondary from her depression came to my mind. I decided to come and talk to her. It took a while before she opened up her story. She was at home by herself and just lost her husband and one son. She felt very lonely and had no friends. After we finished, she told me before I left her room, “Thank you doctor. It is nice talking to you. You just brightened up my day.” Finally we got the social service involved in the case. We tried very hard to reach another son who is in California and we did it successfully. We ended up sent her to an assisted living and recommended her to come to our local senior center. After she was discharged from the hospital, I heard from the social worker that she has been doing well. One day I walked into this senior center, as a part of our rotation in ambulatory medicine, a happy looking lady came to me and asked whether I can remember her. It was my patient. I was totally surprised how she had changed. She said, “Thank you doctor for whatever you have done for me. You had made my life so happy.” Currently, she still does volunteer work at the senior center and we are very good friend with each other.
Critique
Many of the changes I made to your essay were confined to the sentence level. I reworked awkward phrases, varied vocabulary, adjusted tone, and increased the direction and flow of your writing. I corrected grammatical errors such as “geriatric staffs” and “many researches,” and I eliminated tautological phrases such as “treating her with standard treatment.” I also varied sentence length to intersperse long sentences with short, pithy phrases.
In addition, I proposed significant adjustments to the content and structure of your essay. I reworked sentences and whole passages to ensure that you make the strongest case possible for receiving a geriatric fellowship. In addition, I examined your statements at the micro level, determining whether you needed to include additional detail or vary your approach. As a result of this analysis, I have provided a number of suggestions on how you can improve your essay to make it more effective.
The following are some specific comments on the individual paragraphs of your essay:
Paragraph 1
Your overall approach to this long and comprehensive paragraph is effective. The anecdote you employ is interesting and revealing, and it will undoubtedly hold the attention of a busy fellowship director.
While your ideas are strong, your original presentation was rather congested. Rather than group all your arguments into a single paragraph, I suggest breaking this discussion into multiple parts to make it easier to digest. See my suggestions in the text.
On the micro level, I also found that your diction, tone, and sentence structures in this section needed to be adjusted to make them more eloquent. I reworked each of your sentences carefully, rephrasing your ideas to reflect the kind of vocabulary and nuance that fellowship committees reward.
For instance, I replaced the weak sentence, “I had had the most wonderful and valuable experience with my patient,” with, “I had not even considered geriatrics until I met the patient in Room 74.” This sentence serves as a lead-in to your next paragraph, and it creates much-needed suspense.
I also chose the device of “Room 74″ to protect the identity of your patient. Another possible technique would be to write, “Ms. X,” or to make up a generic name like “Helen” or “Emily.” The choice is yours. Typically, I have noticed that applicants prefer to show that they have maintained patient confidentiality since this is a hallmark of the medical profession.
After
Like many residents in internal medicine, I started my training unsure of which specialty I would choose for my fellowship. I had very broad clinical interests and desired a field in which I could connect with patients on a personal and professional basis. Despite these expansive interests, I had not even considered geriatrics until I met the patient in Room 74.
The patient in Room 74 was a tiny, elderly lady with mild dementia who had been admitted to my care because she was suffering from a urinary tract infection. Starting her on a routine of antibiotics, I noticed that while her physical condition improved, her spirit remained listless and depressed. The woman accepted her treatment reluctantly, even crying or screaming at times at the nursing staff. The other physicians attributed her behavior to the dementia, but I wondered whether there might be something more complex going on in her pathology. Surmising that her outbursts might be the result of loneliness rather than confusion–that she did, in other words, have a firm grasp of reality – I decided to see whether some personal attention could help improve her condition. I spent a little time at the end of each shift talking to the woman. After I earned her trust, she confided in me her story. She said that she lived alone and had recently lost her husband and son. She felt lonely and had no friends. Realizing that her asocial behavior was the result of deep-seated pain, I gave the best medicine I could offer: my friendship.
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